Hes proven hes a big liar and a cheat. Your H is playing a dangerous game I keep hoping he wakes up soon. Dont be surprised if he either refuses or goes just to shut you up. I dont want to live under her thumb. When thats not it at all. However, these crises can often be associated with I feel like he is just going on with his days totally fine. I go from being extremely nice to him, to being bat shit crazy and screaming about OW. I think you are doing the right thing for now. i have not been supportive of her decisions. It is a nightmare that keeps reoccurring. We were cordial, didnt say much to eachother. Something. You can only save your M and live happily ever after if one of two things happens; 1. Right now it seems like he could care less, He is probably thinking to himself I knew she couldnt handle me going out. Just know for now you need to get yourself away from his infidelity that will save your sanity. I wasnt happy in our marriage so im justifying doing the things I want to do. That is when he would swear he did not want to leave. I know there is no right way to do this, but gosh I feel like my life is just in SUCH limbo I dont even know if I should invite him places or tell him plans I have as far as this weekend bc im just so afraid of pushing him away. Once you feel in control over your life, with him or without him, the panic will start to subside. They dont want our help (or anyone elses help). Love you but not in love and all the crap the cheater tells you. I wish he had any idea how this feels. I will never be able to control what he does or make him see things the way I am, his perceptions right now are absolutely screwed up. That is your reward. After dealing with my Hs frustrating behaviors, affair fog, continuing to see OW and blaming me for everything wrong in his life, I used to go to my wonderfully fabulous thetapist who would put me on the right path. You cannot get anyone to see your point of view if they dont want to. You are very smart. He didnt get home until 11:30, which honestly doesnt bother me, but what bothers me is that he is so unaware of how unreliable that makes him for me. of course not. We were both really mad. But then Ive read that right now we should be friends again and build a new relationshipI know im rambling, I just feel good that you said you think im handling this well now and what im doing is the best thing I can be doing for now. am i answering his texts the right way?.All things I NEVER cared about before. Web**Depression is present throughout the mid-life crisis until the first phase of the final stage of Acceptance, where he would go through his second awakening-where the veil of the I did it find this site until after DDay 2. I hope all is well!!! Add in that we planned for a baby and are now raising our beautiful 5 month old daughter, I am trying to be fair to him and not keep her from him in any way, while also maintaining my sanity and possibly my need to move on from him. He said that I am too impatient and I will never be convinced he isnt speaking to her. There was a 2nd and 3rd DDAY but that was 4 yrs ago this January. I was shaking I was so angry. His affair resumed 6 weeks later with same OW and in 2 months asked for divorce. And the fact he never has done anything to make amends shows you EXACTLY who and what he is. He states he has no communication with her, he has no desire to speak to any women right now, but he also is exhausted by us and doesnt want to work on us. Why would he say it now when things were so good between us? It always seems to start as friendship and its like if they bite, (to any kind of online sex chat thing or whatever) he would bite back. We were over- marriage, life etc. He has been staying here since, but on the couch. And now im alone in a way, with a baby, with a husband that isnt sure that he wants to be a husband anymore. My experience (and for so many beyrayed spouses) is the same as yours. He is acting like a typical cheater. It is up to him to decide. Perhaps all those are possible, but I like to attribute it in most cases to the affair fog. And the minute I took a stand with my H and told him to leave, there was an immediate change. Out of interest IOtheMoon, where are you now? That they are friends. So there was nothing I could do to change his mind or his heart. I would ask him why cant I get the CH to stop this or do that. Think of the affair like an addiction. But maybe im wrong. I am in my 3rd day of respecting my girlfriends wish to give her space.she is having a affair with a guy that is more than 1000kms away. While I was busy raising and looking after everything in my house, he was busy looking after himself. I am moving on and focusing on my self. I would not give him a divorce so easy. This was the day after he told me that he wants to come back to bursa, that he never intended to leave here and go to her. He will have his freedom now to do whatever he wants, answer to no one, and im TERRIFIED he will love it. He just had to break the bad news to her. He was still cheating. And he understood. Now you are just trying to co-exist and live peacefully. So sorry for you. I wanted to know if there is a way to contact you via email..? If you would have said, This has got to end or Im leaving, or Im taking the kids with me, You have got to get out, or whatever, I think that would have expedited the fog disappearing a lot faster. Its so weird. Its my thinking that gets me so upset. I feel like they are evidence we did something right. At the same time I had a child involved in an emotionally abusive relationship (bf/gf). I do not do his laundry or errands or cater to him. Not a bar hound who cant or wont pick up the phone and continues to disappear. Between the As (2) and the being constantly late (by hours and hours) I was a doormat. The fact that he cant decide is a bunch of nonsense. He just wanted to be away, and it seems like thats what he is doing now a days again, but thats his decision I guess. And he said in it that a man having an affair can fall back in love with his life, but it doesnt depend on how good his relationship is with the other woman, it depends on how good his relationship is with his wife. He understood that, he did not get mad, he just was very clear that they are not speaking. I mean its not like we ever hug or anything like that, but we chat, we get the baby ready for bed, we sleep in the same bed. My husband was acting very strange and very nasty towards me. They chat and text each, each night. I have been told to blame my husband not the OW. after 9-11 when people went to wok and did not come home you would THINK he would get it. He is constantly saying Oh ill be home early. Your own reasons. I know that today is the worst day I have had in a long time. All this affair fog is nothing but fucking crap they do not respect you they do not love you they do not care about the consequences that is going to happen all of this affair fog is nothing but excuses for them to have sex with another person they have given up on their marriage and they are not worthyOf being with, I totally agree. My wife began an EA after a trip out of town. Every thing I say im worried is wrong. He is just st the point of no return and the fact he threw in the towel so easily is not a good sign. What a big mess. Like I said, hes never waivered from saying he felt absolutely nothing for her, but he also never waivered from anything I cant prove in black & white, tangible, irrefutable evidence. Like I said in my first post, we decided Sunday he would move out. Wash, rinse, and repeat, and soon, they are deeply entrenched in the fog., Also a few years back, Linda and I recorded a session for the Affair Recovery Group where we addressed the affair fog. If you are telling me how perfect our marriage is and how happy you are and you are cheating I think that says a lot about the cheater. the last 5 weeks i have tried every thing to get her back. The only thing the cheater sees is their own selfish needs and desires. They got no validation or acknowledgement Their behavior was ignored. He has started to be gone on the weekends, where he will go out Friday night after workfor all hours of the night and then go to work all day saturday (supposedly) and then go out saturday night all night. Absolutely smart on your part. Its been very strange. Your baby needs one functioning happy parent who is going to put the childs needs first at all times. I am trying so hard to stay busy to make him wonder what im up to, but its just exhausting me to feel like I always have to be gone when he gets home, or be doing things. I feel humiliated by it all. I am sorry you dont have the courage or respect to tell me the truth. He goes on to whine about how he has no friends at work except her. The first will not work unless he decides to do the necessary work. The only fog he appeared to have was to think she was an innocent party. Many of these stories are helpful. He accused you of cheating. I felt like i had FINALLY gotten him to see the light. The anger of the OW totally throws me off. It was so bad I had to call the OW to see if she knew what was going on. I get nowhere asking him questions. I was dating an highly ranked law enforcement figure and things were not adding up so I researched and found out he was happily married the whole time. I know my own value, yet I feel like I constantly have to prove it to him, when I have never felt that way before. He is manipulating you (like my H did to me). I dont care what they think I just called you on something without getting upset or angry. You come first. And I believe it is because he is lying still. He tells me I need to find someone who will love me like I need and deserve. From what you describe he has serious issues. I changed the locks before he got home, and sent his dad to tell him not to come back unless he was willing to end the affair. I hope you have a counselor or someone you can see to support you. I work out, I want to be healthy, I want to be a great mom, and he can continue living whatever life he wants. We didnt discuss it, I think I just made it seem ok so he did. He was getting out. But of course theres a way. It may not be in every case. And I know hes still in there somewhere, but maybe his love for me is just not what it was. Then he saw the OW again and I found out and made him leave. Everybodys got to realize that no matter what you try, more than likelyits not going to happen right away. But re/read 1 and 2 above. A curious and frustrating (for the BS) frame of mind the cheater goes through while in the midst of their affair. That being said there are things the spouse can do that can cause further damage during the fog. Or get him to make a decision. It is fine if you decide the M no mo get works. But I also just hate this. A few weeks later we talk with our coach again, and when asked how things are going I reply They seem to be getting alittle better (or so I thought). Im working out, im a great new mom, im getting in great shape and everyone is noticing, and hes waking up most mornings hungover. All of my actions have done nothing to move her away from the AP. He was SERIOUSLY the best guy ever, before the OW. But in a lot of cases and again, you cant generalize I think youre right. At some point you need to accept him for what he is and if the M cannot work, then he ha made his choice and then you must do the same. You have told him he can be with the other woman all he wants. My H never complained he had no freedom. I bought the book Divorce Busting, and I started reading it last night. I said and did all those things. like you said, I cannot change him. I wonder, if/when the fog clears, how do you lay a new foundation of trust in the age of smartphones and computers? Calm and rational confrontation. I am not saying file just get an idea in case you need to file. I wish we could just have fun, We were for a while there after the separation and now it really just feels so blah. My H expected me to be on board with his new lifestyle of being a cheater. I only lasted 6 months and I needed to get out. You have every right to decide what YOUR life should look like. I would have confronted both, demanded he move out and only let him back if I was convicted it was over! He needed to be shown the door. He was not a big drinker but he realized the error of his ways. Oh absolutely, he has blamed me for SO much. No disrespect. Here are my suggestions: And then went running back to her in the fall. For you I dont know how to get you out of limbo except 180. He has to want it enough to try, and hes DEFINITELY not there yet. It is horrific but I cannot imagine it with a newborn baby. You need to get him to see that he disrespects you. Um, no, your actions turned your kids against you. This is not fair or good for you to live in limbo. 3 months in the relationship he went on a boys trip to paris with his friends. Perhaps when the party girl realizes she is going to be married to someone who in essence will be financially strapped the rest of his life, she may decide hes not all that! Midlife Fog He continues to convince himself he is making all these great choices. And then I got in the car and went for a drive. Or someone who has high standards or morals. And the pattern will continue with one fake and phony relationship after another. Midlife Crisis: Signs, Causes, and Coping Tips - HelpGuide.org I never thought my life could take this kind of turn, and when it took this turn, I NEVER thought that this many months later I would still be in a position of heading towards divorce, when I know thats not what I want, but I fear he will do it just bc he doesnt know how to fix it and doesnt want to right now. And it made his head spin. WebSo, if you're looking for answers and support during this time, you won't want to miss this episode. And then the next morning he leaves for work and I immediately wonder what im in for for the day. You have told him he needs to move out. And its these thoughts that deter me from the 180, bc when I have thoughts like this I just want to tell him he should go. The fog was so thick. I dont talk to him, but sometimes my emotions get the best of me as Im trying to deal with surviving this entire ordeal and Ill send him a how horrible can you be text message. Best of luck. Over time, they really begin to believe all the lies theyve told themselves. He sees me one way and has painted this picture in his mind, and that will not change at all until im detached enough to where he has to face that im no longer controlling him, im no longer holding him back, and somehow hes still feeling the way hes feeling. My H thought I would just take him back after his 3rd time asking for a D in 6 months, leaving me hanging and in limbo and letting me believe we R while he was still cheating. I think that woke you up a little bit. Thank you for your advice Doug. I am a bit older than you (my children are teens) but here is my observation. Will he EVER come out of this fog he has created or is this just the new reality he has created? There was nothing I could say or do to change his thinking. You are free to make your own decision. He said he did not want to be controlled. He was so blinded he could not tell the difference between love and lust/infatuation. And the minute he lies and you know it you calmly tell him that you expect him to be honest with you no matter what. Living the single life. I dont want to live like this. Maybe he thinks I will just always be here even though I truly wont. Not any more. Given that you have some assets, you may want to protect them from him. But you man up and be real. I dont know how, but maybe thats the case. And BTW this is all going to come back to him. No yelling in front of them. Everyone thinks im great and we are a fantastic couple so I guess thats good. Im not saying he is but he is acting like one. Midlife Crisis: 11 Signs, Triggers & What To Do When It Happens do you have any advice to what more to do? I think im just going to tell him about it and say if he would like to join us we would love it, but I have a feeling he isnt going to and then im going to take it personally. K. Im sorry you continue to go through this. Then after a month or so of that (or maybe 2, I dont even remember at this point) he said he wanted to start staying the night to help me more, which happened to be after I told him I was moving on with or without him. Doing almost the same with you too, apart from, I never contact the AP neither push my son to it, though I have letter from my son, plead to my wife to love his Papa (Me) & stop the affair. First he stayed bc I had a bad cold and he helped through the night with the baby for 2 nights. I guess all I can do is work on ME and try to be the best place for him to be! 25 years I loved him and have him the best and that is what he told me!! You can do this. It reminds me of when he was first seeing OW, he would do ANYTHING to be out of the house and away from me, even if it wasnt to see her. His behavior appears to be those of an addict / whether drugs, alcohol, etc whatever. You are not giving him a pass or acting like nothing happened. The thrill of the affair envelopes the wayward partner in good feelings, and the excitement can be overwhelming. I want to move on but it kills me inside that he is out having the time of his life and showing no remorse whatsoever for the lives hes destroying. WebSo, if you're looking for answers and support during this time, you won't want to miss this episode. Not true, not valid and not acceptable. Its going to take time. We have somewhat similar stories. That was just over a year ago, and he never did come back. But I am his wife. He literally walked in the door and out of the blue wanted a D. No fight had occurrrd. But he did end up staying the night on the couch. I am just totally losing myself. Trying to get someone to see the mistakes they are making. Linda: A lot of the experts caution that even though you do come back, does the betrayed spouse want you back? So, I guess, both of us, in dead end street & whatever we do in future, the outcome might be the similar. It helps him continue the affair. But he gets very worked up and says a lot of things out of anger that really hurt me, so I ended up walking away from the argument. His actions are showing you what he wants. I always look back on the fog, having come out of it, and say WOW. I say If you want out of this marriage, YOURE going to be the one to make that happen, as I WILL NOT! I was calm and collected, until I started talking about that I was worried about how his dads impending death will affect him, then I cried. You need to be prepared b/c you have a baby. Some days things feel good, he will text me, the convo goes well, carefree, and then we both get home from work and its like the site of me is just annoyance to him. For two months I acted controlled and transparent. You are his wife. However it is difficult to reason or make progress while the fog and/or affair continues. My H had one. Some people may end up leaving their spouse for the affair partner. We were only talkingnothing else! You cannot control your Hs actions but you csn control how YOU react. To this day, I resent the younger OW more, even though my CH had a PA with the somebody else. Like I had a t shirt on one day, and it was a manly shirt, and he asked where I got it. Wait and see what happens. And I laugh b/c he is controlling YOU but puts the blame on you. Your email address will not be published. Yesterday he asked me where all my friends have been. Nothing YOU do is going to destroy your M. Whether you argue or beg or plead or ignore or act nice or are too calm none of this will have any impact. Money in your own name. Your H exhibits addict like behavior. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. You have made some very valid and crucial points: This guy is testing you (I believe he is) and not for any good reason IMO. I really hope I have done whats right. He may never want to work on us, especially if we continue life how it is right now. Im so sick of being sad! Dont play his game. When I decided to go back to him I told myself I have forgiven him and chosen to trust him. I have no idea. Im saying you change by re-defining your marriage. I said to him you are a grown man. The flat out, ice water in his veins, lie. Wow is this awful. Quite often the reasons exploredfor this unusual and often moody, hurtful behavior run the gamut from depression to midlife crisis to temporary insanity. I dont know why I feel that way, I dont think thats how he sees it. Our only contact is when he asks to see our preschooler, once every few months. ???? Sad to say. I am telling you this to help you avoid the six months of hell I put myself through thinking I knew my H well enough to fix the situation, end the A and reconcile. I wish people could hear how highly he speaks of himself and how he will choose to be home with the baby over doing anything else, yet this past week alone he was in the bar 4 nights. B/c he was planning on leaving me. He does his own thing and he encourages you to spend time alone but that you do not see him trying to spend time together as a family. Once it gets difficult or hard, one or other will bail. I wish I could stick to it. You will never trust the cheater 100% but you can reconcile and trust 98%. He made that choice. She is such a good person he would say to me. He doesnt want your help. It will protect YOU from his poor choices and lying. A father. You can kick him out, 180 him and have no contact as much as possible. Surely her life was more important my jealousy. No kids, no responsibility, party lifestyle etc. Instead, I was all, Hey babe, so whats going on with you? I can kick him out for sure and maybe he will be sad for a few days, but im left completely devastated, thinking of all the good times we used to have. Years ago I could barely make it through an hour without crying. Hell, I wish THE FIRST TIME I saw a text from her 8 months ago I had kicked his ass out and let him see what life was like without me before the baby came.

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