You know you have my utmost respect, always. They both cannot believe this. "My darling, call the number back." This came from the man who answers every phone call from every unknown number that rings him up . I'm on my way home, and then I'm getting on a flight. I am trying to get excited about Poppy, but all I can focus on is not having you physically here to be a part of her life. She helped me get through the day. She loves it and usually just falls asleep the entire time. No mother is strong enough to survive something like this. Im too sick to laugh. I spent the rest of the day, resting and trying not to be resentful for it. Her secret is beyond this world and she is the only one that can posses it. I did my best to soak up everything that was being said. She asked me if I would like to know. Holy smokes I was blown away! I had visions of organizing a protest outside the White House. We have about one idea for a first name. I let the tears, sweat, and vomit take over my world for 3 days straight. It will be a trip packed with a lot of business, but a lot of fun as well. I need an intervention. I felt myself slipping into a deep depression that I hadnt felt in a while. Lying in bed for the past year, would not have made you proud. I can do a city, all alone, and badass, any other month, but not this month. O.k. My shot didnt hurt for me today. Do you think Im dying? Now, since this vampire baby seems to be sucking the life out of me, I can hardly get my head up off of my pillow in the mornings to take your brothers to school. That phone call where I was left saying, What? Get a few more things done. I just let my eyes fall to the floor. I just told him I had a lot going on in my head, like always. I picked up Starbucks. Please rest. If that wasnt enough to make me cry, the next thing was. Marisa. Then, the very itty bitty baby contractions started. My favorite kind of trip. He knows that Ive been staying up late, working on this book and I listened to him as he said with urgency in his voice, that I need to get this done so I can Fuck Cancer. I know what the urgency meant. I peeked through our kitchen window from the outside of our house before going in. Sweet dreams. I understand. I feel like its taken a long time for the 4 of us to find our rhythm again here, without you. Your daddy and brothers will be waiting for me so excited at the airport. I continue on because I know that you want me to make this better for others. They are such good little boys. We dont have many plans for the weekend. I could tell your Nana was a bit sad about this but I just said, Mom, I dont know how or what I am going to be feeling and I just want to be able to be, without having the pressure of having to fake like I am feeling one way, if I am not. She just gave me a squeeze and told me, Of course, honey. Are people really not aware or are we just plain being ignored? Sweet dreams. As long as you are the reason I am going, to keep things moving forward with your foundation, your memory, and your spirit I know great things will come from this trip. Thank you for keeping his mama going by showing me how much the power of love can move mountains. I am always the most intense when I am the saddest/on the verge of jumping out of our 7 story hotel room. It is her birthday today. I cant wait for the day that I can see you again. THANK YOU. I know what I am coming home to. With a lot of different things. I feel that way about everyone who hears about you. The world seems so noisy and not in a good way. But most of all, I miss you. He told me he thought I was being a little harsh. Your Mr. Sparkly Eyes, and Poppys Godfather, said to me a while ago, You know its going to be a circus. I just told him in no way shape or form did I want that. I, of course went to, Oh fuck. I remember our last moments together. I know the pain of losing a child, at any age, is awful. I went to our meeting, did my best to formulate my thoughts with this heavy fog that was hanging over my head (tiredness or so I thought), came home 4 hours later (meeting very productive) crawled into bed and by that time, every inch of my body was aching. Mr. Sparkly Eyes: Well, how are you going to Fuck Cancer if you are sick? the chuckling begins. Quinn was eating a piece of steak beside me. How dull and empty I know this world is without you presence. We went out to dinner tonight to one of our favorite restaurants, Tarbells. Ronan. My shot hurt for you. We watched their little boys Lacrosse game. Today was one of those days where I just could not stop crying. I feel like that, all the time. I am up due to feeling sick to my stomach from this Poppy that grows in my belly. Rise and ShineInsomnia! I beg over and over in my head. I will be your Rovocate for the rest of my life. on A city where the happy is too loud so lets go away to the coldbeach, Not a life full of beauty but one full of beautiful momentsinstead, From what I can see here, it looks like you are having a baby. I dont know what in the world happened, but I spent most of the day wiping tears away from my eyes. Well, not insane, but intense. I remember being really sad because this I so wanted this baby to be you, but it was not. I woke up this morning, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I cant wait to see you at the finish line! I sat today and tried to be productive. I'm landing close to midnight. All dressed up. All of this is way much for one person to handle. I forgot to tell you all that I got a phone call from some lovely peeps that run a T.V. I told him how he was pretty much the only person I listened to in this life anymore. We are going to go to dinner when they get home. Im so sad and I cant stop crying. So much. I felt a wave of goodness wash over me. I sent your Mr. Sparkly Eyes a text. They make the raddest tee shirts out there. Everything seems to be suffocating me. Please keep this baby girl safe for me, Ronan. Not right now, but someday you wont be this sad., Me: Im so sad all the time. Crazy workouts. Happy Birthday pic for our Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Does Ronan talk to you and tell you these things? I honestly think you do, Ronan. It doesnt work. Not to mention the fact that he is deliciously handsome, insanely talented, and I could just stop and melt right here. Of course it did. Your day of death. I cant go home to an empty house. Insert sobbing so uncontrollably that I couldnt even finish my sentence, here, Me: Im sorry. I dont understand how even watching your daddy and brothers, watch football is normal now. You would be so proud of the way they are killing it on the court. In a way, I wanted that to be true but I know after tonight, that this wont ever be the case. I will take this Macegiving to count the things that I am thankful for, on one hand. Mawahahahahaha. I buried my head into the steering wheel and just gave into everything I needed to let out. An apple pie first. One that I so badly wanted her at and one that she so badly wanted to be at but did not think she could come for due to her crazy work schedule. My little hometown showed some major RoLove today. Ronan. She once again, told me she couldnt make me, but she felt very strongly about it due to how much Im in the public and traveling. I met a friend this morning for coffee. As in, this is exactly what they would be doing if you were here but you are not here, so how are we doing the exact same things? He is quite simply probably one of the few reasons that I am still alive. I was not about to put on a pretend one for him either. Talk about another huge sign! The problem Im facing is I may have too much material, and too much to say. I wake up to the fucking sunlight obnoxiously screaming in my face. I am about to have this baby girl and also your 2 years since you died is right around the corner. I dont function well in a bullshit and pretending world. Through my sadness, grief, pain. Ronan. My brain/emotions are fried. He promised to help me fuck cancer and Im not letting him go anywhere other than here, to do that. Alright little man. I am really glad I did not die by the death of too many Cadbury Cream Eggs and The Kardashians. The one of a dead child, due to cancer. I just want to sit and cry, so I do. Pearl Jam ended the concert with Keep On Rocking In The Free World, and of course I sang along as loudly as I could while I thought of you the entire time. Finally, someone you can do all those girly things with that you love doing. They are like the air I breathe and I inhale them as much as I can. Realness. I know you all worry when I am quiet, but I promise I am o.k. I ended up walking a bit too but I was fine with that. Everything I do is for you. I am also very productive at 2 a.m. Did I forget to mention the fact that I know your sister is going to be extra spicy, just like you? Ive been spendingmost of my days in your room. She is a hard core vegetarian and has been so for over 20 years. I dont miss you less. Pediatic Cancer is about to get FUCKED! Dr. Sholler was not expecting it, but she smiled and seemed o.k. I was mesmerized by her. It seems to completely throw them all off. 2o minutes after taking that evil little pill and Nobody knows that. Im not even a nurse. To say I am beyond disappointed, is an understatement. And I keep reminding your daddy that yes, that is right, but it is also because you thought you were going to be here to help take care of him or her and be the best big brother ever. Having a baby is emotional under normal circumstances. We sat, just the 4 of us and I tried to let myself relax and enjoy our dinner. One of my oldest friends, Laura was sweet enough to stay back with me so I didnt have to walk alone. I told your brothers. I left the restaurant with Liam. We will spend some time with our Fairy RoMo which is the thing I am most excited about. To bond. A dozen times. They dont have a clue as to what they can tell me about this time around. Posted on July 28, 2011 July 28, 2011 Author rockstarronan Categories Uncategorized Tags Coldplay, Fix you, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Rockstar Ronan. I know you know how much we all need her. When Im not writing to you on the blog, I feel like a bad mom to you. Im not sure what we will do. Reply. I dont even want fucking justice. I thought I was fine tonight after I left and I dont know what happened. I sent your Mr. Sparkly Eyes a text message. He was my best friend, the love of my life.. this cant be real. I listened to him like I always do. THANK YOU. I am as always, wiped out. It was a good way to start the day, if anything. Quinn came in just a few minutes after him. My eyes started to tear up and I just said, Because I dont know where my child is. That is how I feel. I didnt see him walk up, I only heard him barking some smart ass remark to me, like he always does. Its our peaceful time to spend with you and the small time out of my day that I try to take for myself to be with my grief/plot how Im going to take over this fucked up world. Nothing. Thanks for nothing, White House. - ROCKSTAR RONAN This is the end of your story for tonight, baby doll . Darling (P.S., SB that's your new name) , an honest talk with my husband, and the music that blares on my headphones from a mixed C.D. I can not wait to have an actual place to go to where I will be a thousand times more productive. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. He knows that too. Yelling, Quinny! She grabbed my hand and said, I promise you, we are going to make your dream, a reality. How awesome would that be? You know I will always say yes to New York. They are so not cool with it. Tears all over. Last night, Ronan, I had the most vivid dream. I am so proud to call you all my friends and I will never forget what you did for us not only today, but always. It was my agent, Nena. All of my friends are. I cannot take the things down from your room, only to fill them with something new. Gosh, how I loved to embrace your little spicy rebellious ways. Your birthday which also happensto bethe day youwere cremated. Your daddy went out last night. Im just sorry it fucking has to be this way. I could describe him in a thousand different ways. Our sad little house where I often work from our dining room table, our kitchen table, and even my bed. I dont have a clue as to how I am going to feel, once she arrives. Of course I said yes and that is pretty much all I did. Do not let him be taken away. That woman humbles me like no other. She makes me be still and quiet in a way that is not forced. I love you. "A number I don't recognize called my phone and left me a voicemail. Please keep all the other people out there, who may be going through a hard time, in your thoughts. When I'm not writing to you on the blog, I feel like a bad mom to you. I know they are not the most compelling words, but today they were the only thing I could muster up in my over active imagination to say. I am dying to see our Fairy RoMo, as well. Thats how its been this past week. I know he misses you but for some reason, it hit me really hard today. I sat quietly and watched as he bounced your baby sister on his lap and kissed her up and down. That I am sure of. It's the "Who is Mr. Sparkly Eyes." A lot of you, ask that in my comments. There is no other way to explain how that man knows the darkest parts of my soul and heart, yet he is not afraid. The entire tree is going to be blue and white. Not because he thinks I am wrong, but I think he likes to provoke me into thinking long and hard about things from every angle, before I take such a strong stance. Its about helping other people as much as I can and in anyway that I can in this totally fucked up world where I cannot even see Christmas lights properly because they are always so blurry from my falling tears. I need to find a hobby during my witching hours. Im begging your daddy to go and get me a pie from the store. She is doing amazing things with it. Avoiding my reality once in a while helps me get through the days that I just cant take living this life without you anymore. I know this lesson they are learning in life and about your story will shape them in a way that they will go on to do amazing things. I think I stumbled on a few things. on Its 3:25 a.m.? Ihave been doingnothing but spending my days with her, being quiet and still. I let his words soak in and lick my wounds for a while. New York was a good trip. Nothing like some hometown love to kick cancersass. Then the pictures just stop because no more can be taken. How could my totally healthy, beautiful baby boy be so healthy, and then have fucking stage 4 cancer just like that? She did not make me feel like the crazy person that I was feeling like which was so nice of her to do. How much you wanted a baby sister. Im so sorry for all you had to go through. A lot of time at home, which is still hard for me. I am so overwhelmed with every aspect in my life right now that I feel like a breakdown might be in order, just because I fucking deserve one. Of course I said, HECK YES! Because I dont like to say no to anything anymore especially if it can help with more awareness. Its too much, especially at this point in your life., Me: But I always do these things alone. Im used to being the energizer bunny. Depth. Forever friends because of the unthinkable bond that we share. I let you think you were being naughty, just to make you giggle and to let you feel like you were breaking the rules. This is the girl who went skydiving, just because. I told him they were my favorite boots ever. Why is the house so quiet? About you and all of these other kids who are dying left and right from childhood cancer.I am so thankful for the people who are now paying attention and fighting the good fight, but I just dont understand whythe wholeworld isnt in an uproar over this. Thank you, V and K. For being so kind and generous today. But all the gratitude and good things will keep me going I promise you that. He is a man that cares and sticks to his word. Nothing more needed to be said as those words were enough. Throw up. I saw my OBGYN as well. For as much as I can say all I care about is a healthy baby, the truth is, a little girl would mean so much mainly for the fact that you wanted a baby sister. O.k. You look pretty today. I spent the day with a friend of mine. Ill just stick with pie for now. Nobody wants to take care of you because youve been so mean. on I Dont Know What To Expect When ImExpecting. They stuck by me during my darkest of days. What if I totally freak out and lose it? I would give anything not to be waking up because I dont have you here to cuddle up to. I was so happy. I tappedon our kitchen the window. I begged and pleaded with you once again in the parking garage. The thought of the ER and the reality that would come with it, kept me at home, chugging Gatorade. on Nothing like some hometown love to kick cancersass. I had visions of the signs I would hold, while bouncing Poppy on my hip. My own mother whom I love to the moon and back. Ive been having flashbacks of the end of your days, off and on today. The going to New York thing all alone. I trust in you. And in the cancer world, with this organization, that is absolutely the case. show in Florida. It was all I could do to stay in the restaurant and not flip the fuck out. Best news ever. Its comforting to your daddy and brothers so this is why I stay here. I hope you are safe. I love you so much. It was good to see them. In bed? Mandy came over and grabbed my head and kissed the top of it. The most important thing of course that has been consuming me. I wanted you so badly, to be in the kitchen cooking with me, like we used to do. 2o minutes after taking that evil little pill and I was out cold. They fill me with things like anger that I never knew existed. Seems nobody wants to take on that topic. ! because thats what I totally felt like. I love you. Trapped inside my own personal hell with your little bedroom down the hall, untouched like you are still here. Showing her your picture. I took her to your favorite pizza spot, Delizas, which is right by the Ronald McDonald House. I was holding him and our Mr. Sparkly Eyes came into the room. She has given me such a gift already and she is only a week old. She will be great to have along with me to help with the business things that we are dealing with. We are home now. A lot of my blog readers have been posting that you said you wanted a baby sister. Sorry if that was TMI, but if youve ever carried a baby, you know what I am talking about. I looked for me 3 boys in my bed, but I only saw two. on Thankful for the opportunity to continue talking about Ronan, Taylor, childhood cancer, and the horrifically hard world of bereavedparents. Thank you, Amy for hooking this up. I hope you are safe. Of course it is a Star Wars theme. His keys, our son, on our dresser. that my New York Miss Macy made me. I love our little unconventional board. Proof that you are still here, taking care of me, the best way that you can. Not the other way around. I know this is what you would want. I have to have some things I keep to myself. I did my best all week to do the normal mom things that I have to do to run our house. I found out on her birthday, which was not planned at all! I hope you are safe. Melissa. How some people try so hard to become a writer and they just dont have the natural ability that I have. Soon, my head was filled with thoughts that I couldnt control. She would fall over if I became a vegetarian. At least my anger seems to be under control. I must have sat and stared at that picture for a good five minutes. I had to take your brothers because the appointment was so early. The ultimate sacrifice. I had to tell him I was pregnant with this baby, over the phone. At least that is the vibe I got. Then perfect your baby has cancer Ronan, but we will fix him. I love you, Ronan. Yes, it is wrong. I know he is connected to your soul and you are to his. I dont like when I have to stay cooped up all day, not running around doing 50 million things. I always skip over it if it comes on my playlist. You have a baby on the way. I felt myself panic. She never slows down in my tummy and it always seems like she is having a party in there. I remember the way you looked at me through the dinner and waved and laughed. We spent hours upon hours talking about it. I tell her stories about you, I tell her how much you love her and are watching over her, I tell her how lucky she is to have you as a big brother and Liam and Quinn as well. July 28, 2011 - ROCKSTAR RONAN ? I said I was o.k. 1 comment. We worked SO hard for those signatures and I know all of our supporters did, too. It was the first time that the 9th wasnt completely gut wrenchingfor me. He tried once again to shake my hand and laughed as I grabbed him for a hug. What is wrong with me? I still think it is the most beautiful song that I have ever heard. Our Fairy RoMo. Where is Ronan? - ROCKSTAR RONAN He has saved my life and for that, I have you to thank. Gay. I will get through it the best I can, just like I did last year. You will never hear me complain about fevers, strep throat, throwing up, etc Those things to me, are blessings. Candice from TGen was kind enough to make sure I got to meet Dr. Sholler today. The Story of Taylor Swift's 'Ronan' Told by the Real Mom It's - Insider Pretty soon, Poppy was on the big screen. They seem to be growing by the day and that makes me so proud. This extreme fatigue and nausea, are mentally beating me down. Do you think there will ever come a time when Christmas lights wont be blurry from mytears? It was a great night, to say the least. Mission accomplished without having a breakdown. With the little free time that I had in New York, I spent it with Rachel. But I laugh anyway. I told her I didnt remember a thing about it except I dont think I cried. Fuck. This is all for tonight, little man. Ronan. Its Humanity. Right in the middle of my breakdown, your Sparkly called. Those are you are so fucking lucky. So shut up, suck it up, and be grateful. Fuck. I think in the back of my mind a small part of me thought that I am selfishly doing everything I am doing in this world, for myself. I was wearing my most favorite Frye Cowboy boots that I have had for about 7 years. Thanks, J- for the break, amazing lunch and your dazzling smile. Quinn just threw sand at me! Then throwing the sand back. To feel happy. I was going through some emails. Just because I am tired and sick does not mean I have to roll over and totally give into that, right?? It was actually all I could do, not to run up to the podium and hijack the speakers talk. Thats all for now little man. Start over. Ronan. To feel sad. This appointment just happened to fall on her birthday! Ive learned to become the ultimate pain hider. maya thompson - Page 6 - ROCKSTAR RONAN You two had a bond and almost a secret language. Im soaking that up, because it doesnt happen often. I had a flashback of that time I was coming home from somewhere and as I pulled into our house, I could see all of you sitting at our table, eating dinner. I love you to the moon and back. Me: I couldnt talk so I didnt. I often give her crap about this. I am sick and tired of this blinding sun. We met up with some friends. I have tried to be as productive as possible. Today is an amazing example of good things that will keep me going. She is one of the busiest women on the planet, but I so appreciated her taking the time to talk to me about anything and everything. Sparkly Eyes - ROCKSTAR RONAN What is your daughters name? She just looked at me and said, Ireland. I smiled and said, Its beautiful. That has been our girl name, for about 10 years. It never feels totally right, but we have worked very hard, together, to get where we are today. You are making so many amazing things happen. Ill let you know when I know more. I might have to end this now. Can I just say today, I am so glad I had your Fairy RoMo there with me not only as my dear friend, but as a witness to the amazingness that occurred. It was an emergency last night. Homemade whipped cream. I would give anything to have you here to cuddle up to because I cant sleep. We talked a lot about Poppy, Inferno Fuckwad Bob, and of course you. I worry about her so much already. I sent him a text. Sometimes I feel like Im grasping at thin air, sometimes I get tired and so very sad, but I have never in my life wanted to give up or quit. I do know this. I love you. Neuroblastoma was only touched on a few times but I found that when it was being talked about in charts, graphs, statistics. Sunday I think. No matter how frustrated or sad I get because I know at the end of the day, youre not coming back. She will be a part of you and I cannot wait to meet her. But it still feels a little like a betrayal to you. Thank you., Mr. Sparkly Eyes: I miss him. Why are you not at your F U Cancer Starbucks office today?, me: Im sick. I decide to start today with, enough is enough. She has a son that she is absolutely insanely in love with and she completely gets the bond that I have with you. This baby girl, is going to have so many beautiful aunties. I heard her say it was a boy, before she said anything at all. I have a ton more to write about, but I have to get ready for this little Skype interview set up that I am doing. I know you will. I was only there, for you. We talked about Poppy for a while. I miss you. Finally, late last night, I started to feel better. I am so sorry that you had to be taken away. Not crying. Please. I looked down at the floor and thought for a bit. Through her tears she told me she was sorry, but how proud she was of all the things we are doing. There is no way I can even fathom the thought of taking down your things and packing them away. After I left my friend, I ran to the store. Fuck. Your brothers get the flu, awesome! I love you, Ronan. The biggest reason of all. Your Fairy RoMo just happened to be in town for this meeting. Meat is still my enemy. I came home and fell into a deep sleep. I know she did not have to do this. THANK YOU. Please keep watching over Ben with the Bald Head for me. I have a lot of dreams. I ran the lake as fast as I could with an injured knee from my previous running that I have been doing. If you cant be here with me, I will honor you by bringing your little light everywhere that I can. Peach Pie, Apple Pie, Cherry Pie yes please. Im sad. Really hard in the way that I felt not long after losing you. I told you that. I promise to be the best little tenant ever. And it was to childhood cancer. I went to see my OBGYN a couple of days ago, just for my 4 week standard check-up. I said I knew. Are you laying with your child, as he takes his last breaths? Nobody deserves to get cancer, but especially not children. I dont my hatred with meat will last, but as of now the thought of it makes me ill. Pie. I will make you both proud. I dont know why you continue to do things like this. I know this is not true. And I hurt for my friend who had to bury her child who was pretty much an adult. Ive been trying to get us all ready for our second Christmas, without you. (but dont tell Poppy. All happy and carefree. He sat down. I have learned to be present, to smile when all I want to do is cry, to be productive when all I want to do is curl up in my bed for a week, and to throw myself into things that take a lot of work, but the work leaves me distracted. Giggling everywhere. I saw your Sparky yesterday. Im up out of my sickness coma. On to the next. Mascara and snot everywhere. I know the tears that will fill my eyes that I will have to fight back. Trust me. I have been getting through the days alright really; I suppose. I used to be able to go days without crying. Nothing helps. They are giving me access to all of their conference rooms, space, and my very own office with a door and all. So far, so good. Nothing is worth this pain. Ronan. Oh, that would just be because Ive been crying all day. Why so much today? Anything That Has To Do With You and New YorkCity. I miss you. I have had a blast and it is a healthy, good distraction.

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